well let me see..let me update the site. It has been a little while since I have updated it. Ok...as the status is now I am unemployed. Cant find a job. Cant seem to get out of this hell. I miss my kids. Get trashed on by everyone. Have people intentionally trying to sabotage my life. People being skeptical of everything. It gets old and it gets frustrating. Knowing that you are so innocent *I mean I have done wrong in my life* but yet no one seems to listen to you. It is depressing.
I lost the kids. The boys are gone forever! People keep trying to tell me that I have to have hope. They are the most important thing in my life. I could care less about anything else in this world. Just want them home with me. Depression has set in. I feel like death is better. I feel like I am lost inside this world of NOTHING and am not getting out of it. Why is my life in shambles? I have hit rock bottom and I cant seem to see what is lying in the future. People pass judgement of me. They make it seem as they know what it is that I am going through when yet realistically they dont.
I have not found a job. The criminal misdemeanor charge has screwed me on that. I have applied at so many places that it has become a depressing thing when I cant manage to find a job. It is like when they see criminal charge they automatically put my app. behind or throw it on a desk. I am a hard worker. I always have been and needless to say I want a job. BADDDDDD!!! I currently have no where to go ...my dad allowed me to stay here for a temporary period. But when I stayed here the rules were ridiculous. I was supposed to be in by 10...no food they happened to lock more then half of it up..had no internet after 11...no phone after ten....no tv at all...no friends allowed in the house...had to go to my community services everyday...if I didnt I got the pissy attitudes from them.
Alot of people seem to think that the reason I dont have a job is cuz I blame it on others. Or that I dont have a place to go cuz I blame it on others. And I am sorry to say that yes it might look that way but it really isnt that way. When you fall you fall hard sometimes. And I have all the documents to prove it. I know that my apt. I was setup that the people were being contacted and the social workers that didnt want me to have my kids were pushing their opinion. And then the charges well we already know I shouldnt have gotten those. My life is going to always be depressing cuz people seem to really think that I messed up and that I am unwilling to make the change.
Do you know how often someone wants to climb into a ball and die? Or when you feel like your heart being ripped out might make things better yet the whole process happens over and over again? Or what it is like to fall in love with someoen and think that you are making a change in your life to not so much forget about things that happened but moving to the future.? When you walk around and people think you are a disease? Or even so much as looking for a job and imagine how depressing it is that everytime you go to get one NOTHING happens?? It is lasting in my world and I cant seem to get past it.
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